Every parent deals with the frustration of temper tantrums, whether they’re new to parenting or seasoned pros. If you have a child, you’ll encounter these outbursts at some point, regardless of any diagnosis.
For parents of autistic children, managing meltdowns can feel like an extra challenge. Unlike typical tantrums, meltdowns can be unpredictable and vary with different situations and environments. It often takes a combination of strategies, flexibility, and intuition to support your child through these moments.
While tantrums and meltdowns are both challenging and stressful, it’s important to understand they are different and require different approaches.
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Managing Autism Meltdowns, Tantrums and Aggression
What is a temper tantrum?
A temper tantrum usually happens when a child doesn’t get what they want. It’s common during the “terrible twos” (ages one to four), a time when children are trying to assert their independence but lack the skills to do so effectively.
Young children have tantrums because:
- They want to be independent but lack the motor and cognitive skills (planning, organization, execution).
- Their developing language skills make it hard to express their needs.
- The prefrontal cortex part of their brain, which helps with emotional regulation, isn’t fully developed.
- They’re learning about their world, which can be overwhelming.
Tantrums often continue if the child gets attention but stop if ignored. They may end when the child gets what they want or realizes the tantrum isn’t working. Giving in can encourage more tantrums in the future.
Because of that, it’s crucial to learn what to do when an autistic child throws a tantrum. As children grow, they learn to manage their emotions better. Persistent tantrums beyond the typical age range may indicate social-emotional difficulties.
What is a meltdown?
An autistic meltdown happens when a child becomes overwhelmed and loses control, needing a parent’s help or reaching exhaustion to calm down.
Meltdowns often result from sensory overstimulation and can be mistaken for tantrums if you’re not familiar with your child’s sensory cues. When a person with autism experiences too much sensory input, their nervous system becomes overwhelmed, similar to a traffic jam.
Just as traffic can cause frustration and sensory overload, excessive stimulation leads to anxiety and stress. This triggers a “fight or flight” response, making it hard for the child to manage their reactions.
Unlike tantrums, meltdowns are physiological responses and not something the child can control. Understanding the difference between tantrums and meltdowns is crucial for handling them effectively, as they require different strategies.
How to deal with autism tantrums: behavioral strategies
The autism tantrums behavioral strategies focus heavily on support and skill-building. There are a number of parent-friendly resources that target tantrum management strategies, and the majority of them focus on a three-fold approach:
1. Recognize the motivation or purpose of the tantrum behavior
Before figuring out what to do when an autistic child throws a tantrum, it’s important to recognize the motivation or purpose of the behavior.
Here are the common causes:
- getting attention,
- getting what the child wants/needs,
- denial of want/need,
- delayed access to what the child wants/needs.
Once you identify why your child is throwing a tantrum, you can respond more appropriately. Recognize your child’s needs in the moment without giving in to them.
2. Reinforce positive behavior
Catch your child when they are responding appropriately to small problems and praise or reward them for great behavior.
A hug, high-five, or “Way to go!” are all ways of proactively avoiding those tantrum outbursts by teaching your child that they have your attention for the times they are successful too.
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Calling attention to what they do right now will also help the child build on those successes and respond positively in the future! This will make it easier to know how to calm an autistic child during a tantrum the next time it happens.
3. Build the skills for success
Children who frequently have temper tantrums often struggle with impulse control and problem-solving. They may also find it challenging to delay gratification, negotiate, communicate their needs, understand what’s appropriate, and self-soothe.
Look for opportunities to build on these skills with your child and help them be successful. However, I’d avoid working on these skills outside of tantrum moments.
Managing meltdowns in autistic children
You’ve heard the saying, “When you’ve met a child with autism, you’ve met one child with autism.” Because every kid on the spectrum responds to situations differently.
With varied skills, levels of relatedness, communication, and sensory processing profiles, it is impossible to have a one-solution-fits-all approach to managing meltdowns.
The following are some tips and strategies that have helped other parents, but you will have to consider these in terms of your individual child’s needs:
1. Minimizing anxieties of daily life
We’d all like to avoid meltdowns completely, but that’s not possible. Instead, some parents find it helpful to minimize the stress and anxiety of daily life that may contribute to a meltdown.
Visual schedules, social stories, check-off lists, and activity or task schedules can help you communicate to your child what is planned and what the expectations will be.
If you’re planning an outing to the mall or grocery store, an online search can turn up actual photos (and, in some cases, video tours) of the store. Social stories that walk a child through the plan offer predictability and a sense of control that may reduce anxiety.
Over time, building in a “surprise” or “question mark” to visual schedules will help to shape behavioral responses to unexpected changes in routines or outings that are often stressful.
2. Routine sensory diet activities
Routine sensory diet activities are important to support regulation throughout the day. Some parents find it helpful to schedule “quiet time” for their children to allow for downtime before the day’s activities become too much.
This is an important consideration when a trip to a busy, loud shopping mall is in your child’s future!
Sensory meltdowns often occur when overstimulation builds up from various events or stimuli. Allowing quiet time before a community outing can help improve your child’s tolerance for activities like shopping.
3. Recognize when your child is in distress
Another key strategy is to get to know your child’s signs of distress. Does the child put their hands over their ears? Bolt from the room?
Do they say, “Go now!” or “Leave!” or do you notice an increase in self-stimulatory behaviors (rocking, humming, hand flapping, self-injurious behavior)?
These signs of distress can be indicators that your child is quickly becoming overstimulated and needs your help regulating before reaching the point of meltdown. Depending on your child’s verbal skills, a low-tech communication board can be helpful.
It can assist your child in expressing their basic needs, which may help you leave the situation or implement a strategy before overstimulation becomes critical.
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For other children, a predetermined, mutually understood signal (hand gesture, signal word) will be enough to communicate sensory overload.
4. Seek out a quiet, safe space
In those meltdown moments, seek out a quiet, safe space, which may mean leaving the place that is causing the overstimulation. Allowing your child a safe space to calm down will also mean changing the amount of exposed sensory input.
Keep yourself calm, limit the verbal language you use, and offer deep touch pressure input to help your child calm down. In the event that your child tends to run away or is unsafe to themself or others, you may need to restrain the child for safety.
In a public setting, people may not understand your situation and may not react well to your child’s meltdown. “Meltdown cards” were created by parents to offer an explanation for any screaming, restraining, or self-injurious behavior that may otherwise be alarming to others.
When you’re trying to help your child through a meltdown, meltdown cards may offer a reprieve from the questions or misunderstandings, such as any abuse or abduction attempts.
5. Remember to breathe
This isn’t so much a strategy for your child but for you. Breathe, and try not to take this meltdown personally.
As difficult as it is in the moment, check your emotional reaction and realize that your child is not in control of his sensory reactions at this time. By keeping those emotions in check, you’ll be helping your child get through the worst of it.
Sensory toolkit for managing meltdowns
Here are our top must-haves for a sensory toolkit to help with meltdowns on the go:
- Sunglasses: for light sensitivity
- Noise-cancelling headphones: to block out auditory stimuli or distractions
- Wide-brimmed hat or cap: helpful in allowing your child some distance from social interactions and also good for blocking any remaining light
- Chewy, crunchy snack: oral proprioceptive input is calming, and hungry kids are crankier
- Unscented hand wipes: to help with any tactile sensitivities when your child accidentally touches something that irritates them
- Preferred scented hand lotion: can be helpful in combating offensive odors in the environment and instead offer a calming, preferred smell
- Fidget toy: something repetitive, simple, and preferred can have a calming effect
- Communication board with basic symbols or phrases such as: “I need a break,” “Let’s go,” “Too loud”
- Meltdown cards: to communicate to bystanders your child’s needs and your response
Meltdown and tantrum management
While tantrums are behavioral in nature, meltdowns have a sensory, physiological basis that warrants different management strategies. While neither are fun outbursts to experience, focus part of your energy on proactively supporting your child’s emotional regulation.
In the moments of trying to manage tantrums or meltdowns, use the guidelines we’ve outlined above to find what works for your child. Don’t forget to breathe as you support your child’s regulation.
This article was featured in Issue 68 – ASD Strategies in Action
FAQs
Q: How do you calm down an autistic child having a tantrum?
A: Create a calm and quiet environment to help your child feel safe. Use calming techniques like deep breathing, offering a favorite sensory toy, or providing gentle physical comfort.
Q: What triggers autism meltdowns?
A: Autism meltdowns can be triggered by sensory overload, changes in routine, communication difficulties, or unmet needs. Identifying and addressing these triggers can help prevent meltdowns.
Q: What shouldn’t you do during an autism meltdown?
A: Avoid reacting with anger or frustration, as this can escalate the situation. Don’t try to reason with or demand immediate compliance from the child during a meltdown.
Q: How do you deal with autism tantrums?
A: Remain calm and supportive, providing a structured environment and clear expectations. Implement strategies such as offering choices or distractions to help manage the tantrum.
Q: What is the difference between a temper tantrum and an autistic meltdown?
A: A temper tantrum is usually a response to frustration and can be influenced by the child seeking attention or trying to manipulate. An autistic meltdown, however, is an intense reaction to overwhelming stimuli or stress, often beyond the child’s control.
References:
Khullar, V., Singh, H. P., & Bala, M. (2021). Meltdown/Tantrum detection system for individuals with autism spectrum disorder. Applied Artificial Intelligence, 35(15), 1708-1732. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/08839514.2021.1991115
Yalim, T., & Mohamed, S. (2023). Meltdown in autism: Challenges and support needed for parents of children with autism. International Journal of Academic Research in Progressive Education and Development, 12(1), 850-876. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Teassy-Yalim/publication/367986859_Meltdown_in_Autism_Challenges_and_Support_Needed_for_Parents_of_Children_with_Autism/links/63f0cbd551d7af054036d803/Meltdown-in-Autism-Challenges-and-Support-Needed-for-Parents-of-Children-with-Autism.pdf
Ward-Hawkes, J., & Rodi, M. (2019). Managing Meltdowns and Tantrums on the Autism Spectrum: A Parent and Caregiver’s Guide. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
26 Sensory Integration Tools for Meltdown Management – Friendship Circle – Special Needs Blog.” Friendship Circle — Special Needs Blog. N.p., 18 Nov. 2015. Web. 25 May 2017.
Caroline Miller. “Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?” Child Mind Institute. N.p., n.d. Web. 25 May 2017.
Morin, Amanda. “The Difference Between Tantrums and Sensory Meltdowns.”Understood.org. N.p., n.d. Web. 25 May 2017.
“Why Toddlers Throw Temper Tantrums.” Parenting. N.p., 17 Feb. 2015. Web. 25 May 2017.
