At the ANCA World Autism Festival in Vancouver, B.C., Canada, a gentle Japanese lady, no older than her early twenties, sat next to me during a documentary screening. For an hour, we shared the space quietly, her presence a comforting reminder of connection.
She leaned in close, as if I were a cherished relative she was reconnecting with, smiling occasionally before returning her gaze to the film. This silent exchange made me feel seen and heard.
The feeling of belonging is crucial to our psychological and emotional well-being. For autistic individuals, this sense of belonging can be challenging due to misunderstandings and social norms that don’t always align with their experiences.
An autistic desire to belong
Autistic individuals often face challenges with having no friends and feeling a sense of belonging. Historically, they have been unfairly blamed for their differences and criticized for their unique ways of interacting, some even seeing their behavior as obsessive or manic.
Research on the “double empathy problem” helps explain these difficulties. It suggests that both autistic and non-autistic people struggle to understand each other’s perspectives.
Autistic individuals might have trouble reading social cues, while non-autistic people may misinterpret autistic behaviors. This lack of mutual understanding can make forming and maintaining relationships challenging.
Like everyone, autistic people desire meaningful connections. They engage in various types of relationships – romantic, work-related, community-based, etc. Each type comes with its own set of unspoken rules and social norms, which can be particularly difficult for those on the autism spectrum, who may not instinctively grasp these norms.
Navigating relationships can be complex for autistic individuals. They might face difficulties with small talk, handling rejection, and dealing with sensory overload. Managing these challenges, understanding appropriate social topics, and finding a comfortable pace in relationships are all part of the process.
How to set boundaries with an autistic friend
If you feel like an autistic friend is obsessed with you, they may simply be expressing their desire for connection in ways that feel intense or overwhelming. Setting boundaries with an autistic friend can be challenging but is essential for a healthy relationship.
It’s important to communicate these boundaries clearly and compassionately. Explain how certain behaviors affect you and work together to find mutually acceptable ways to interact.
Autistic individuals might struggle with understanding typical social cues, making it crucial to explicitly state your needs and limits.
For example, if you need personal space or time away from constant communication, let your friend know in a direct and understanding manner. This approach helps in maintaining a balanced relationship without causing unnecessary distress.
Understanding autism friendships
Being friends with someone on the spectrum involves recognizing and respecting differences in communication and social skills. It’s important to understand that autistic friends may not always pick up on subtle social signals or may have a different approach to socializing.
While their intensity might come across as obsession, it often stems from a deep desire for connection rather than an attempt to invade personal space.
Autism and losing friends
Autism can sometimes lead to difficulties in maintaining friendships, especially if boundaries are not clearly defined or understood. Friends might drift apart due to misunderstandings or unmet expectations.
It’s essential to approach these situations with empathy, recognizing that the challenges are not solely the result of the autistic individual’s behavior but also of societal expectations and communication barriers.
Tips for building relationships in autism
Building strong and supportive relationships, especially for those on the autism spectrum, involves understanding and navigating various social dynamics. Here are some practical strategies to help foster meaningful connections.
1. Keep an open dialogue
An effective way of building relationships involves opening up dialogue about unspoken rules and norms. Looking at other cultures, like the American Indigenous People, is a great place to start.
Notice that within some Native American nations, eye contact is avoided, and no such word as disorder or disability is a part of their language.
In conversation, consider asking: When have unspoken rules caused you trouble in trying to make a friend? What is difficult for you about unspoken rules at the park or school playground?
Share your personal story of navigating unspoken rules. Other great questions to open dialogue are: What do you think is important in nurturing a friendship? Where do you struggle to get along with or understand me?
2. Ensure safety
Another important aspect of relationships is ensuring safety. Reflect on the ways all individuals are vulnerable to predators and dishonest people. Most autistics have great difficulties understanding boundaries.
Boundaries can be confusing for anyone. Share what you’ve learned about boundaries and how they help with personal safety. Present scenarios of inappropriate friendship requests.
3. Learn more about yourself
Understanding yourself is essential to nurturing a relationship. To participate in healthy relationships, we need to self-reflect. We need to understand our own interests, passions, and dislikes.
Building criteria for what makes a good friend is often a foreign concept to autistics. I didn’t realize I had the right to have criteria for friends until I was in my forties! I tend to think everyone could be a potential friend.
A part of understanding yourself is becoming aware of how you process emotions and present them to others. To avoid misunderstandings and judgment, it’s wise to explore aspects of how those on the spectrum present differently in behavior than the majority of society.
4. Understand that it’s normal for friendships to break
Friendships can evolve or end, and that’s okay. Consider talking about how relationships can change over time.
While some of us carry our childhood friends into our adult lives, that’s not always the case. It’s smart to talk about the stages of friendship grief or loss and express that it’s okay to feel sadness and regret over the loss of a potential or long-standing relationship.
Recognize that it’s normal for relationships to shift over time and provide support during these transitions.
Respect is the key to healthy relationships
Above all, treat your autistic friend with dignity and respect. Advocate for their needs and understand the complexities of life on the spectrum. By fostering open communication, setting clear boundaries, and being empathetic, you can build and maintain meaningful friendships that respect both your needs and those of your autistic friend.
This article was featured in Issue 126 – Romantic Relationships and Autism
FAQs
Q: Can autistic people hyperfixate on people?
A: Yes, autistic individuals can hyperfixate on people, often developing intense and focused interests in specific individuals. This fixation can be a way of seeking connection and understanding in their social interactions.
Q: How do you set boundaries with an autistic friend?
A: Set boundaries with an autistic friend by being clear and direct about your needs and limits. Use straightforward communication to ensure mutual understanding and to maintain a respectful and balanced relationship.
Q: How does autism affect friendships?
A: Autism can affect friendships by making it challenging to navigate social cues and unspoken rules, which can lead to misunderstandings. Individuals on the spectrum may also experience difficulties with maintaining social interactions due to sensory overload or differing communication styles.
Q: Do people with autism struggle with boundaries?
A: Yes, people with autism may struggle with understanding and respecting boundaries due to difficulties with social norms and cues. Clear and consistent communication about boundaries can help in managing and maintaining healthy relationships.
References
Bottema-Beutel, K., Malloy, C., Cuda, J. et al. Friendship Expectations May be Similar for Mental Age-Matched Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Typically Developing Children. J Autism Dev Disord 49, 4346–4354 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-019-04141-7
Girardi A, Curran MS, Snyder BL. Healthy Intimate Relationships and the Adult With Autism. Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association. 2021;27(5):405-414. doi:10.1177/1078390320949923 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1078390320949923
Yew, R. Y., Samuel, P., Hooley, M., Mesibov, G. B., & Stokes, M. A. (2021). A systematic review of romantic relationship initiation and maintenance factors in autism. Personal Relationships, 28(4), 777–802. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12397
Hull, K. B. (2020). Creating Space for Therapeutic Change: Boundary Expansions with Autism Spectrum Clients. Journal of Infant, Child, and Adolescent Psychotherapy, 19(1), 86–97. https://doi.org/10.1080/15289168.2020.1717168
Pearson, A., Rees, J., & Forster, S. (2022). “This was just how this friendship worked”: Experiences of interpersonal victimization among autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 4(2), 141-150. https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/aut.2021.0035
