Dating can be filled with stress and insecurity, and navigating a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s syndrome presents unique challenges. When dating with Asperger’s, you might wonder what to do, what to avoid, and how to create a meaningful connection.
Understanding their unique perspective is key to building a successful relationship. Here are 10 essential points to keep in mind when falling in love with an Aspie.
1. We prefer to listen
Anyone who knows the basic signs of Asperger’s syndrome will understand this. We’re not that interested in talking. Dating someone with Asperger’s means you get a great listener by your side.
We love listening to other people, learning their opinions, or sharing our thoughts occasionally. Sometimes, simply sitting and listening takes less energy.
2. There is a right way to get us talking
If you’re dating someone with Asperger’s, know that it’s better to directly ask when you want an opinion from us. We’re not best friends with indirect comments or sarcasm, although we can learn depending on the person.
Be careful when discussing a topic we are interested in: we will talk and talk, and we would love it if you shared our interests!
3. Our social needs tend to change
Who says we don’t go to parties, movies, restaurants, and so on? Yes, we may not be fans of going out every single weekend, but some days are OK. Keep in mind that we may prefer to spend a day at home, watching a TV series or listening to music.
We may also like going to the library or a museum, somewhere with minimal noise. Now, if your Aspie is a metalhead, things will be a little confusing from time to time, but they will stay interesting!
4. Be upfront about gifts
When there’s something you really love and would like to be given as a present, it’s better if you share the information. We do have ideas and do try to guess what our significant other might like.
However, if there’s a detail you know you will love, say it. We won’t have to worry about the endless “Is this right?” drama.
5. We prefer building connection before affection
We prefer to keep a distance when there’s not a solid connection yet, similar to the old days when you had to get to know someone first. You won’t get a kiss on the first date, but maybe on the third or the fourth. We’re romantics in that sense, and there are not many of us left!
6. Don’t overwhelm us with new friends
Please don’t say, “I’ll just introduce you to my family/friends,” and bring about five people. We’ll be terrified.
Think about going one by one or two by two, giving us enough time to process new people, and do it with enough time between each group. The next time we are at a social event, we’ll go with the flow and will thank you for it!
7. Embrace patience and understanding in tough moments
Relationships come with both joys and challenges—like thorns on roses or dark clouds before a rainbow. When emotions run high, remember to choose your words carefully, as individuals with Asperger’s often take comments literally.
If you’re not getting anywhere in the discussion, take a moment to cool off, regroup, and approach the conversation with a calmer perspective.
8. Let us have our routines
We have a schedule and routines to keep our minds in order and under control. There’s a reason why we do things like that, and yes, “it’s the way it has always been” is valid for us.
Changing it can make us feel lost and uncomfortable. It’s better just to ignore those things when you’re still new to an Aspie.
9. Understand that work stress can be hard for us
Work stress is something everyone experiences, but for us, it can be more intense than you might imagine. At the end of a tough day, we might seem uneasy—don’t be alarmed.
On the flip side, when we’ve had an amazing day doing something we love, you’ll see our excitement shine through—maybe even with a fun surprise!
10. We’re excited to plan for the future together
So you went through the whole process, you both know each other as no one else does, and the feelings are mutual. Maybe it’s time to make it official! Aspies don’t take surprises that well, so if you propose, expect us to be overwhelmed with emotion!
If it’s the Aspie who is proposing, then you’ll see us more nervous than ever. Either way, we’re impossibly cute!
Embracing love with Asperger’s and dating
Dating with Asperger’s can present unique challenges, but it also opens the door to a deeply meaningful connection rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
By recognizing and appreciating the distinct ways an individual with Asperger’s experiences love and communication, you can build a strong, supportive relationship.
Whether it’s learning how to communicate effectively or embracing each other’s differences, Asperger’s and dating can lead to fulfilling, authentic partnerships when approached with patience and empathy.
This article was featured in Issue 72 – Sensory Solutions For Life
FAQs
Q: How do you date someone with Asperger’s?
A: Dating someone with Asperger’s involves clear communication, patience, and understanding their unique needs and boundaries. Focus on building trust by respecting their preferences and being open about your own feelings.
Q: What do people with Asperger’s like in a relationship?
A: People with Asperger’s often value honesty, consistency, and a partner who respects their need for routine or alone time. They appreciate genuine connections and someone who makes an effort to understand their perspective.
Q: What are the signs an Aspie loves you?
A: An Aspie might show love through actions rather than words, such as sharing their special interests or making an effort to spend time with you. They may express care in their own unique ways, often being loyal and attentive to your needs.
References
Exell, R., Hilari, K., & Behn, N. (2022). Interventions that support adults with brain injuries, learning disabilities and autistic spectrum disorders in dating or romantic relationships: a systematic review. Disability and rehabilitation, 44(12), 2567-2580. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09638288.2020.1845824
McMahon, C. M., Henry, S., Stoll, B., & Linthicum, M. (2021). Perceptions of dating behaviors among individuals in the general population with high and low autistic traits. Sexuality and Disability, 39, 309-325. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11195-020-09640-5
Girardi, A., Curran, M. S., & Snyder, B. L. (2021). Healthy intimate relationships and the adult with autism. Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association, 27(5), 405-414. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1078390320949923
