My Voice: Why I Hide

In regards to better understanding autism, it will help if you think of the human mind as a delicate tuning fork.  Hit the fork with the right amount of tap and it will resonate in harmony, but bang it too loud and it will create dissonance inside the mind, especially for the person who dwells in the most sensitive spectrum of all.

My Voice: Why I Hide

It is my contention that the autistic eye is suffering the “collective dissonance” of the society around it, and in ways, I might add, that no one to date has yet factored into the total equation. As a man on the spectrum myself, I would very much like to share some of my views with you, in the hope that it will shed some much-needed light on the delicate subject of autism.

For the sake of expedience, I will not quote, nor will I name, all the major philosophers of thought that have helped shape my own mind. Suffice as to say, there have been many.  Kant, for the record, is my favorite and most trusted friend on the matter of the inner eye, I might add. I only state this because I feel it is important that you understand the true weight of the mind behind this text.

For the record, I am a savant.  From art to maths, I channel it all, and I cognitively occupy, or rather thrive in, by degree, a nine-dimensional abstract universe.  Of course, it is hard for me to see clearly in this abstract field as you can imagine, as I am only a very early “next stage fish,” in the meta-pond of things, if you will, thus, my ideas of its speck are inchoate at best, obviously. What else could they be? Still, the dimensions I occupy give me insights that have value.  So if you will, please continue…

The first thing I want to address is language, especially in regards how we all resonate with words when we talk to one another.  It is of utmost importance that we truly take note of the fact that we are a resonating species, thriving in a field of resonating factors. Words shape our ideas/positions and when we align ourselves with words that are conveyed to us by another, we resonate in the structure each word builds in us at an intuitive level.  This is precisely why positive words can create feelings of harmony in a person, and negative words in turn can create a resonating field of dissonance.

The tuning fork in my head is always resonating with the world. It hurts for me to sit with the collective head, because the head is ontologically out of tune with itself.  It is like I am a guitar trying to tune myself in, but in a room filled with so many billions playing out of tune, it is hard for me to plateau out mentally.  Think about how that affects my delicate mind on a daily basis. It is precisely why I hide.

Let us consider what is fundamentally happening in the human mind on an intuitive level, when we employ our words to relay information to one another.  When we use words, we are in-fact aligning the reader/listener with a set of cognitive coordinates.  Right now even, I am simply coordinating your inner mind around this very notion.  And once I have coordinated the person I am addressing into place, they will either resonate with what we I am saying or not, but the main thing to remember is that it all creates a state of resonance in us either way.

Words arranged in the right manner are effectively coordinates arranged in the right manner. If one wants to relay a piece of information on a subject; any subject, one cannot simply pick random words from a bag and hope the text will reach the recipient.  One has to choose the right words, obviously, and relay them in the correct manner, obviously.

Words affect me on a daily basis, and in ways most can’t even fathom. The bark of politicians talking in small shapes for example, or just the fart of gossip. Or what about the ill-mannered word structures that form the bastardized mental constructs of religion and class.  Talk about a world that has wander off the bed of axioms. Or what about the endless void of redundant debate? A strangled network of solipsistic strands. I’m not sure. Anyhow, it all makes me resonate the wrong way, because I always end up in a state of dissonance if I am around it. It is why I hide.

Whether you are ready to hear it or not, the world at large is not wired up correctly to the correct constructs of language.  Allow me to explain.  First off: forget the simple surface words/coordinates we all use on a daily basis just to intuitively align ourselves with the simple things in life, such as buying food, or chatting to a friend about things like music or books. Instead, I want you to consider only the words we might use when it comes to how one relays the core tenets of an ideology.

It is important that you remain Impartial when I coordinate your mind around this particular aspect of humanity, as your bias on the matter will do nothing but contain your mind in a clot of idol cogs. I want to address the class system, as it is a spectrum all can relate to. Not the overall big point I want to make is this – for centuries, people have intuitively defined themselves around three different class categories, and yet not one single aspect of class ideology can be predicated to a fixture of reason. This is why I hide.

The class system is a set that essentially aligns people to three set categories, thus, if one is to define humans in such a way, then one must by definition; define three separate categories of people, which of course they can’t.  As I have stated, no reasonable fixture holds the notion of class to a sound round in the mind, so it can only be said to exist in ideological terms, around a language set that has been bastardized.

As Wittgenstein stated: “Anything outside the correct categories of inferential thinking is nonsense.” Idol cogs fill our ideological networks, and when we extend our minds eye through the medium of words, the cogs play out. This explains precisely why the world at present is stuck in such a large kettle of rattles.  Folk simply refuse to look beyond the face of words and think with them for the constructs they are either indirectly, or directly, attempting to align in everyone else with.

The upshot of it all is: people from all walks of life are going to have to consider in the most complex way, how what we say, and how we say it, might be resonating with everyone else. I am lost in a world of crooked tongues.  Small talk hurts my inner eye, as does the talk of greed and even the regimented intonations of psychiatrists leave my ear ringing a screech. It all sounds like a blackboard screeching in my ear to be honest. It’s why I hide.

Words are coordinates that shape structures in the mind, and if the structures are imposed in the wrong manner, the autistic eye will suffer the consequences more than those in the “neuro-typical” field.  For the record, there is no fixing autism, as it is an evolutionary shift away from this antiquated paradigm. But as we shift, we are stuck with what is making noise around us, and there lies one of the biggest problems we face as we try to become in our own heads.

This article was featured in Issue 52 – Celebrating the Voices of Autism



    Yap is a whirlwind of professional creativity, touching down on music, painting, fiction and essay writing, public speaking, and filmmaking with a profound sensitivity — his harmonics and an uncompromising eye for controversy challenging the mind’s eye at every turn. From a three album, a decade-long international touring career with One Minute Silence to the formation of his underground cult band Pink Punk and, most recently, the return to his Irish roots with the acclaimed Airtight EP, music and rhythm emit from every fiber of Yap and his creative flair. His first novel, The Pond, self-published on Lulu, deals with the frequencies that ripple through time and the human condition while a second, The Kingdom of the Blue Apples, currently in development, takes the child’s fantasy adventure into stratospheric themes of connectivity and resonance. On canvas, Yap merges cubism, abstract expressionism and fluid modernity with themes of femininity, fertility and the ever-present connectivity in the fibers of the human existence. Live, on stage, field or street simply has to be witnessed, a feral force of passion, timing and intricate wordplay. Where next for this whirlwind? Wherever for the hungry consumers of his multifarious art.