Special Needs: Grandparents Can Be in Your Corner

There is a well-known parable floating around the special needs community which describes how it feels when you are first told you are to be the parent of a child with special needs.

Special Needs: Grandparents Can Be in Your Corner https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/special-needs-grandparents-in-corner/

The story describes how a family is preparing to go to Italy. They have researched all the best activities and adventures to experience.  They have identified the best places to stay and the ways to get around each city. They have researched the weather and packed accordingly.

The family boards the plane with excitement and settle in for the journey.  The plane lands, and the pilot announces, “Welcome to Holland; we wish you an amazing stay.” The family looks at each other. They are shocked. They had no plan to visit Holland.  They do not know where to stay. They have no idea what activities or experiences to access. They are not even dressed appropriately for Holland.

Grandparents of children with autism are also shocked when they hear the news. They already experienced parenthood and hoped they could be a support to their children. They imagined all the special events and activities they could enjoy with their new grandchild. They were excited to attend birthday parties, graduation celebrations, music or sports activities, and cheer for their grandson or daughter. Then they hear, their grandchild has autism.

Grandparents may be confused; they may wonder what autism is. They may wonder how autism will affect their grandchild?  Will they be able to play with their grandchild?  Will they be able to communicate with their grandchild? How will they be able to help their son or daughter through this new journey?

The Grandparents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder Survey reported (IAN Research 2010 www.ianproject.org)

  • Grandparents felt at a lost and inadequate
  • Their dreams for their grandchild changed
  • They felt guilty being at a distance
  • They were saddened by the news

The Autism Speaks www.autismspeaks.org  survey reported:

  • Grandparents go through a period of mourning, similar to parents, and feel:
  • Anger (This comes from the other’s genetics)
  • Confusion (Too much information)
  • Denial (This is not happening to us)
  • Disappointment (Will I have a relationship with my grandchild?)
  • Fear: (What if I cannot help?)
  • Guilt: (Did I do something to cause this?)
  • Powerlessness: (I wish I could make it go away)

So, what can grandparents do?

They can be in their son, daughter’s and grandchild’s corner.

They can:

  • Reach acceptance, develop confidence and have realistic expectations
  • Connect with experts and learn about autism
  • Accept their grandchild for who he/she is and dream new dreams
  • Help raise this child; they have raised their children. They know about life, they lived it longer
  • Spend time with their grandchild
  • Do not blame their children
  • Do not criticize for failure to discipline
  • Do not take things personally as it may be harder to form relationships, so do not give up
  • Find out if financial help is needed
  • Offer to babysit or support child care
  • Offer to housekeep or find a housekeeper
  • Listen to their children, to their fears and grief
  • Affirm you will be there for them
  • Ask if they need something
  • Affirm that they are doing a good job
  • Remember that the disability is only one part of their grandchild
  • Know that their grandchild will have strengths and talents

Here are some activities grandparents could do with their grandchild:

  • Read to their grandchild
  • Play with their grandchild
  • Help teach them (dressing, setting table, cleaning up, brushing teeth, bathing)
  • Sing with and to them, dance with them, teach them sports

When engaging is challenging, try:

  • Identifying some rewards for doing the activity ( try a special treat or special activity)
  • Do the activity for shorter times at first
  • Use your own interests such as gardening, cooking, or repair work to connect
  • Give them choices
  • Prepare activities ahead
  • Find something fun, motivating, and interest-based

A final note to grandparents might be to follow Emily Perl Kinsley’s advice, “If you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.”—  Emily Perl Kingsley

Enjoy your grandchild and support your children.  Be in their corner!

Grandparent Resources:

Empowering Grandparents Raising Grandchildren by Carole B Cox PHD, 2000

The Sacred work of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren by Elaine Williams

The Granny Nanny by Lee Edwards

Grandparents Guide to Autism: making the most of the time at Nana’s House by Nancy Mucklow, 2012

Grand parenting A Child with Special Needs by Charlotte E Thompson 2009

Grandparents as Careers of Children with Disabilities Facing Challenges by Phillip McCallion & Mathew Janicki 2000

The Grandparent Guide by Dr. Kornhaber

Your Special Grandchild by Josie Santomauro

A Book for Grandparents of Child Diagnosed with Asperger 2009

Inside Kinship Care by David Pitcher 2013

This article was featured in Issue 92 – Developing Social Skills for Life

Karen Kaplan

Karen Kaplan has more than 35 years of experience working in the field of autism spectrum disorders with children, teens, adults and their families. She has engaged with schools, residential programs, vocational and nonprofit day programs, addressing the challenges of autism and other similar learning differences. She has joined faculty at universities to help mentor and educate teachers and therapists. Karen is the Executive Director of Offerings, a non-profit organization, empowering communities locally and globally to build special needs programs. She also founded the Autism Lecture Series in 2009 and the Special Needs Resource Fair in 2010. She is currently the Executive Director at Wings Learning Center, a school for children 5-22 years old with Autism Spectrum Disorders, located in Redwood City. For more information visit the websites www.globalofferings.org and www.wingslearningcenter.org. Facebook:www.facebook.com/WingsLearningCenter1 Instagram:www.instagram.com/wingslearningcenterschool

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