Help: I’m a Mom with an Autistic Child and am Afraid to Go Out

Question:
I have two boys with autism and I find myself struggling with anxiety when it comes time to leave the house with them. I feel scared and short of breath. Plus, when I leave the house by myself,  I feel anxious that I’m going to get a call from the kids’ school, my husband, the therapists, etc. I never struggled like this before. What can I do? – Ann

q&a

You are SO not alone! I have worked with many families who avoid outings entirely because it’s so stressful leaving the house with their special needs child. What you are experiencing is very common, because the truth is…being out in public, out of your safe zone, with unpredictable kids can be very scary and overwhelming. While these feelings are totally normal, this is no way to live! It’s unhealthy to carry such worry and to eliminate your community involvement because of your circumstances. Here are some things you can try to increase the likelihood of a successful outing, and thereby reduce your anxiety:

  • Pack!

It’s important to make sure when you’re leaving for an outing that you are prepared. This means bringing food and drinks, reinforcers like electronics, toys, books, or whatever else your child may want or need, and making sure you have spare clothing or diapers in case of an accident. Here’s a sample list:

  • Get purse, keys and phone
  • Pack snacks and water
  • Pack diapers and wipes
  • Pack iPad and Elmo doll
  • If you’re outing is to a store, make a list of what you need to buy
  • Get your kids ready.
  • Have kids dressed
  • Go potty or change diaper
  • Get shoes on
  • Prime them.
  • Tell the kids where you are going and what to expect. “Okay, we are going to Target. I need you to stay with mommy while we shop. We need to buy soap, new pants, dog treats, and paper towels.”
  • Make the outing QUICK!
  • Get in and get out. Shop with a purpose and do not stray from what you originally came there for.
  • Use a token system.

Depending on the specific issues you face when out in public with your kiddos you can create a token system to reward them for appropriate behaviors. Some examples of target behaviors might be: holding your hand, sitting in the cart, or even just tolerating being out without any tantrums. You can set a timer and every minute, two minutes, or whatever you feel is appropriate, you can give your child a token for that behavior. Here are some token system tips:

  • Make the tokens themselves reinforcing. If your child loves sea animals, maybe the tokens can be fish or whales. If your child loves trains, use Thomas characters.
  • Set your child up for success. Don’t require him or her to get 15 tokens. Set a small number and have the child earn them quickly. (This is why starting with QUICK outings is best.)
  • Be consistent! Reinforce whenever the appropriate behavior occurs. If you skip a few or let the timer lapse without providing any reinforcement your child will become frustrated.
  • Time it just right so that the final token is delivered at the end of the outing. For example: Give all tokens except one by the time you get to the checkout. Once you pay and are on your way out, give the final token.
  • Have a big reward for when your child earns all the tokens! Make it something the child doesn’t always get. Maybe it’s a special treat or access to the iPad. Whatever it is, have it available so you can give it to your child IMMEDIATELY upon earning all the tokens.
  • Utilize social stories.

Depending on your child, a social story about outings might be helpful. You can create specific stories based on where you are going. Include all the WH questions… Who, what, where, when, why. Also be sure to include what you expect of them, and what they can earn if they show all those behaviors. Stay away from what you DON’T want them to do and only include what you DO want them to do.

Lastly, I want to encourage you to take baby steps. Maybe start with only taking one child at a time. Or start with very close, very convenient locations. Remember that this is a huge obstacle to tackle, so you will need to attack it gradually.

I would also suggest you find a way to talk about your fears and anxieties with others. Find a support group or even a therapist who can help you manage the symptoms you’re experiencing and help you implement coping strategies. Research shows that parental stress levels greatly impact children’s stress levels. Even kids with autism pick up on anxiety and it can often create a sense of anxiety in themselves when they see a parent struggling with anxiety. While it’s completely valid to worry about what is going to go wrong when you’re not around to take care of everything, the degree to which this fear is impacting your life seems to be significant. There is help out there! Take advantage of it. Overcoming the anxiety will not only help you, but it will be beneficial for your marriage and your parenting as well.

Best of luck to you!

angelina_mcdonaldAngelina works as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, specializing in assessing and treating children and adolescents with autism, down-syndrome, and other developmental delays. She began her career in Applied Behavior Analysis in 2006, following her youngest brother’s autism diagnosis, and has since worked with dozens of children and families. She also writes a blog about her experiences as both a professional and a big sister. Her brother, Dylan, remains her most powerful inspiration for helping others who face similar challenges.

Learn more about Angelina and her blog, The Autism Onion, at www.theautismonion.com or www.facebook.com/theautismonion

This article was featured in Issue 35 – Summertime Fun and Safety on the Spectrum

3 Responses to Help: I’m a Mom with an Autistic Child and am Afraid to Go Out

  1. i have one child with ADHD and one with autism. the one with autsim is my hardest child. but when we do go out i let him know what i expect of him and how he should act that seems to help. he is also 6 years old. and i also give him a time when we will be leaving the house so he will know that there will be a change in his ruteen. i give him like 15 min to finish what he needs to finish. just wanted to let you know what i do. that works for my 6 year old.

  2. I think a lot of the tips on preparation are helpful, but I wish there was some discussion of sensory issues. Based on writings of autistic adults, I think it’s less likely that autistic kids are throwing tantrums in stores and more likely that they’re having meltdowns from sensory overload. Some coping strategies I’ve heard of or tried for sensory overload include ear protection, sunglasses, or wearing a coat or sweatshirt with the hood pulled up. I’m sure there are more ideas out there.

  3. In response to the help mom article, Angelina is certified but I do not agree with her response at all. I have lived this as a parent of an Autistic son who was severely impaired; now mildly impaired. He was nonverbal until the age of eight and outings sometimes were just impossible. I don’t believe it’s all behavior control. I know that it can be sensory overload and I feel forcing a child out when they just can not handle the environment, be it noises, smells, waiting, etc… is cruel. I know better and proven ways to introduce our kids to the world. As we all know, each child is different. What may work for one doesn’t work for another. I long for the opportunity to write for an article answering questions for parents. I am a wealth of information and a beacon to the many parents I do Coach and Advise now. Let me help. My son is a true success story. Give me the chance to speak with one of your editors. Thank you. Kim Victoria Faiman – Parent.

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