As an autism parent, you likely crave a loving, emotional connection with your child and may feel robbed of this due to their diagnosis. I know what it’s like to wonder how to connect with your autistic child. My son was diagnosed at age five after a long search for answers. The longing for connection was heartbreaking, something I’m sure you can relate to.
Autism was once viewed as a “triad of impairments”—communication difficulties, behavioral challenges, and social impairments. These challenges stem from autism being a neurodevelopmental disorder, resulting in processing challenges.
These processing challenges can significantly impact communication, behavior, and social interactions, putting your child at a disadvantage. However, I aim to empower you, give you hope, and share skills to help build an emotional connection with your child.
Without further ado, let’s explore 5 great ways to connect and build a relationship with an autistic child.
1. Learn to self-regulate
Self-regulation refers to the ability to be aware of and manage one’s emotional inner state. You may be accustomed to talking about your child’s deficits in self-regulation, but less so your own!
In our busy lives, it’s easy to fall prey to living on “auto-pilot.” Without this inner awareness and the skills to manage your frustration and anxiety, you’re more vulnerable to “reacting” to circumstances rather than “responding” to them mindfully.
Stuart Shankar, a self-regulation expert and professor at York University, emphasizes that thriving—completing tasks, forming friendships, learning, and loving—depends on self-regulation.
By regularly reducing stress through simple strategies like breathing or stretching, you can be more mentally available to your child. This allows for more meaningful engagement and a greater sense of control in your life.
Self-care is also an essential component of self-regulation. Nurturing yourself, for even five or ten minutes a day, can have a tremendous impact on your ability to experience balance and connect with your child. Think of it this way – if your cup is empty, you have nothing left for your child and family.
2. Shift your communication – less is more
One of the most important things that I teach parents is that you can make it easier for your child to process information and connect with you through how you communicate with them.
If you ask your child to do something and he doesn’t respond, it’s natural to repeat yourself, lose patience and react, or “over-talk.” For kids with ASD, listening to an over-talking parent is like drinking from a fire hose! It’s likely to escalate your child’s anxiety and cause your child to react in response.
My advice to parents is to consider yourself on a “word budget.” Think about what you want to communicate, and say it in fewer words. This will make processing easier for your child.
After you speak, give them time to think! Slow your rate of speech so your child can really take in what you’re saying. You’ll be amazed at how much this can improve your ability to connect with your child.
Finally, think out loud to encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings, rather than asking direct questions. “Look at the puppy – he looks so happy!” is an example of what I call thinking out loud. This will take some practice, but it will be worth it.
It’s important to remember that true communication is meant to connect you and your child – not to get things done! The more you can use communication as an opportunity to embrace life’s simple pleasures together, the more meaningful your time together will be.
Don’t give up if your child doesn’t chime in right away! You may not be giving enough credit for what they’re capable of. Be patient and keep at it!
3. Don’t get hooked into power struggles
Power struggles can rob us of a great deal of joy, and they are preventable. It takes two to create a power struggle. Consider the last time you had an argument with someone. You’ll remember that once things became heated, emotions escalated until both of you were seeing red!
As parents, we often feel compelled to get our children to buy into our views, and it’s all too easy to react out of frustration. However, this will likely backfire if your child is in a state that causes their frustration to escalate!
With improved self-awareness and self-regulation skills, you’ll be able to catch yourself before reacting and avoid engaging in a power struggle. Quite often, a simple statement such as “It’s not time for that now, let’s go outside and play” will do the trick.
4. Learn how to reduce the frequency and duration of meltdowns
When your autistic child is experiencing a meltdown, it’s natural to become upset and try to fix things. However, trying to problem-solve in the heat of the moment is counter-productive, and will likely extend an already difficult situation.
Furthermore, a child in the throes of a meltdown can’t process effectively, so your valiant efforts to talk your child down will likely be futile.
Instead, sit quietly with your autistic child and “hold the space,” which will help them feel safe and allow them to calm down faster. After the storm passes, you can share how proud you are of your child for calming down on their own.
5. Learn to simply “be” with your child
When you sit down to play with your autistic child, do you tend to have an agenda? Do you immediately begin asking questions? It’s human nature to want to “get” something from your child, especially given your desire for connection.
I invite you to consider a different approach. It will require more patience, but it usually pays off in spades.
If your goal is to connect on an emotional level—to share thoughts and feelings—it’s often more productive to be quiet and just “be.” Observe what your child is doing.
This is particularly true if they are accustomed to being prompted. Sit quietly and do your best to relax in the moment. Try “noticing” something or being curious about what you see.
Without making demands, your child’s stress level will be lower, he will be more relaxed, and he will be more capable of thinking creatively. I’ve seen some truly unexpected and magical moments arise out of the most unassuming circumstances.
“Oh, I love your Lego house—I wish we could go inside…” Then, stop! Give your child time to think about what you’ve said. Silence can be golden and offer the most delightful and unexpected gifts. Your child may have far more potential than you imagine—it’s all a matter of how you tap into it!
How to connect with an autistic child
Building a loving, emotional connection with your autistic child may seem challenging, but it’s entirely possible with patience, understanding, and the right strategies.
By learning to self-regulate, shifting your communication style, avoiding power struggles, managing meltdowns, and simply being present with your child, you can foster a deep and meaningful relationship.
Each step you take not only helps your child feel more understood and supported but also strengthens the bond between you. Remember, the journey of connection is ongoing, and every small effort you make contributes to a richer, more fulfilling relationship with your child.
This article was featured in Issue 51 – School: Preparing Your Child for Transition
FAQs
Q: How do you approach an autistic child for the first time?
A: Approach gently and calmly, respecting their personal space. Observe their reactions to guide your interaction. Use simple language and non-threatening body language to help them feel comfortable and secure.
Q: What can you do if an autistic child is too attached to their mother?
A: Encourage gradual independence by introducing small, manageable activities that the child can do with other trusted individuals. Provide consistent reassurance and positive reinforcement to help build their confidence away from their mother.
Q: How do you emotionally connect with your autistic child?
A: Find shared interests and engage in activities they enjoy, using patience and understanding to communicate and bond. Practice self-regulation to stay calm and present, creating a safe and supportive environment for emotional connection.
Q: How can you make an autistic child feel loved?
A: Show consistent affection and understanding, adapting your expressions of love to match their comfort and communication style. Celebrate their unique strengths and achievements, offering praise and encouragement tailored to their needs.
References
Clary B, Marengo-Sorli E, Oude-Engberink A, Million E, Pavageau S, Amouyal M, Serayet P, Carbonnel F, Bourrel G, Lognos B. General practitioners must acquire skills to communicate with child with Autism Spectrum Disorder to regain their values and role in the follow-up – phenomenological study. Scand J Prim Health Care. 2021 Jun;39(2):214-221. doi: 10.1080/02813432.2021.1913905. Epub 2021 Jun 21. PMID: 34154487; PMCID: PMC8293969. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8293969/
Jaswal VK, Dinishak J, Stephan C, Akhtar N (2020) Experiencing social connection: A qualitative study of mothers of nonspeaking autistic children. PLoS ONE 15(11): e0242661. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0242661
