As parents, we all want to have the best possible relationship with our children. Teen years can be particularly difficult, especially when it comes to parenting a child with Asperger’s. No matter how much advice we get from professionals, it is still hard to accept some of the behavioral traits of our Aspie teens.
It is still frustrating at times and hard to cope day-to-day. Growing up with undiagnosed autism myself and then struggling with my child, I used to wonder how to parent a child with Asperger’s.
I’d like to share some things that helped to improve our relationship by leaps and bounds.
1. Educate yourself
Gaining a better understanding of my child’s behavior was unbelievably helpful in changing the way I dealt with him. Before my son’s diagnosis, a friend of mine asked me if I’d ever heard of Asperger’s syndrome.
I did some research, and my son fit the profile to a T! I told my son what I’d learned about it and asked him what he thought. He said, “I am just glad you finally understand me.”
Try listening to first-person accounts from adult Aspies. They were once your child’s age, and they are telling you firsthand about their experiences and what was going on in their heads at that age.
I did this through books, and audiobooks are a good option if you don’t have time to read. You’ve already taken the first step by reading this article.
2. Stop trying to read between the lines
This is a common pain point for many Aspies, as they are frequently misunderstood due to others’ unnecessary attempts to ‘decode’ what they are saying.
Try to hear what your Aspie teen is saying without adding your own layer of meaning to their words. If you are unsure about the reasoning behind a question or a statement they’ve made, simply ask for clarification.
For example, if your Aspergers child asks why you decided to wear a green shirt to the party, just tell them why. Don’t assume that they asked because they thought the shirt was ugly or that the teen didn’t agree with your choice. If you’re curious about why, just ask.
3. Be direct and specific
This goes along with the last tip. Don’t expect your Aspie teen to read between your lines. If you say, “You should clean your room,” you need to understand that you made a suggestion.
And if you say, “Geez, that was very inconsiderate.” That is probably not going to trigger your Aspie teen to apologize. If you want a specific result, you must be direct in telling them exactly what you expect.
Regarding being specific, imagine this: There is a load of wet laundry in the washer (finished), and a pile of clothes on the floor waiting for the washer. You ask your Aspie teen to ‘put the clothes in the dryer.’
They go into the laundry room, and instead of taking the clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer, they pick up the visible clothes off the floor and put those in the dryer. Do you see what happened here?
4. Trust your child
Pre-diagnosis and in moments of frustration, I used to ask my son things like… Why did you do that? What were you thinking when you did that? Why didn’t you do what I asked you to do? But I would never really accept or believe his answers.
One thing I’ve realized throughout this learning process is that my son answered me honestly! As parents, we have to be mentally prepared to receive the answer (without assuming the teen isn’t being a smart aleck). Chances are, they are just telling the truth.
5. Don’t assume they have the same “common sense” as you
While formal research articles will not say this directly, one thing you need to understand is this: Things that are considered to be common sense for neurotypicals, do not necessarily come naturally for Aspies. But that does not mean they can’t learn.
Here are a couple of real-life examples:
- Hiding food: When I was a pre-teen, I used to take food into my room and put it in my nightstand drawer to go back to it later. After some time, there would be ants all over it. I would close the drawer back and wait for the ants to go away.
- Handshakes and self-introductions: I once took my son to work with me for a tour. An executive walked over and said, “Hello, young man. My name is Ron Brown,” as he held his hand out. My son just stood there looking at him.
When things like this happen, don’t panic, and don’t write it off as part of their condition. Explain to them why hiding food in the drawer is a bad idea, or teach them what to do when people extend a hand and introduce themselves.
Role-playing is a good technique for that. The teen may not naturally pick these things up, but they will learn them if you make the conscious effort to teach them.
6. Know when to encourage them and when to respect boundaries
Growing up undiagnosed, I often faced situations where I didn’t want to interact but felt obligated to. In hindsight, being pushed out of my comfort zone helped me develop skills that contributed to my success.
Had I been overly sheltered, I might have struggled more with social situations or even withdrawn completely.
We’ve had similar experiences with my son. He often prefers staying in his room, and I’ve had to firmly encourage him to join in activities. While he resists at first, once engaged, he almost always ends up having a great time.
This doesn’t mean he stops resisting the next time, but the joy he experiences makes the effort worthwhile.
It’s important to recognize which situations warrant a gentle push and which do not. For example:
- Forcing your Asperger’s child to join a school pep squad? Definitely not.
- Encouraging them to do something they enjoy, like going out for a fun activity with you? Yes!
- Having them handle a small task like paying at the grocery store? This can be a valuable learning experience.
- Making them attend a crowded, loud event like a 4th of July celebration? Absolutely not.
Remember: While Aspies don’t like being forced into activities, they often appreciate understanding the reasoning behind them. Explaining how certain interactions will help them in adulthood can reduce resentment, even if they still resist.
Building this understanding fosters stronger relationships and trust.
7. Allow them to stim
My son’s stimming involves his hair. He vigorously and repetitively swipes his hair to one side. If he’s self-aware and actively trying to control his hand movements, he will grab a small bunch of hair on the side of his head and twist it.
He twists it so tight and so often that his hair breaks off in those areas. I used to shave his head in an effort to stop him from doing this.
I know others who might bounce a tiny ball, pace the floor or tap a pencil on the side of their head. It’s frustrating, I know! But when it comes to behavior modification, I am going to say from my experience – stimming must be allowed.
Talking about it helps. If you can get your Aspie to talk about why they do it, they will become more self-aware and start working toward modifying on their own and in their own time.
Once you understand it and accept it, it won’t bother you as much, and your Aspie teen will feel freer to be themself. You can’t imagine how much anxiety comes along with knowing you are annoying your parents by doing something you literally cannot control.
8. Be mindful of their sensitivity to touch
Touch can be experienced differently, even within the same family. For me, as an Aspie, the thought of being touched by others outside of intimate relationships was overwhelming. My son, on the other hand, is very affectionate and craves physical closeness.
He enjoys sitting near me, touching my arms, or even rubbing his head against me like a cat. Initially, I found his touch difficult to handle, especially since both he and his father have sweaty palms. I would often pull away, unaware of the emotional impact this had on him.
One day, my son asked why I moved away when he got close and if I didn’t like him. He asked me if I knew what it felt like when your mother doesn’t like you, and it completely shattered me.
From that moment, I started compromising, allowing him to be close and touch me so he could feel loved. This shift has greatly improved our relationship.
On the other hand, my own childhood experience was quite different. I developed resentment towards my father because he frequently tickled me, something I couldn’t stand. It left me feeling frustrated and upset.
The key takeaway is to be mindful of each person’s sensitivity to touch, respecting their needs while balancing affection and boundaries.
9. Find their special interest and make it work for both of you
If you haven’t discovered your Aspie teen’s special interest yet, it may sometimes seem like they aren’t interested in anything at all. Finding what they like can be challenging if they don’t talk much and just don’t show much enthusiasm for anything.
Pre-diagnosis, I had my son playing soccer. He cried after every game. His school recommended we try an individual sport, so we tried golf. The social awkwardness while paired with other boys took a toll, but he was doing it!
I would also buy him things I thought would be cool (drawing kits, science kits, etc.) that he would ignore.
Now, I hadn’t thought about this before, but when he was a toddler, I would find the cutest little accidental recordings of him trying to figure out how to use my camera. So recently, I purchased myself a camera, and sure enough, he asked if he could ‘check it out.’
He went outside for half an hour and came back in with the most amazing photo! Needless to say, we had identified his special interest. He now enjoys traveling with me more and participating in outdoor activities, all because he wants to get some cool photos.
If you can identify this special interest, chances are your Aspie teen will do it with such genius it will astound you. It will be exciting for both of you, and you will be able to leverage that special interest to better reward them for doing the things they are less enthusiastic about.
10. See the bigger picture
You have to step away from the tree. For those who haven’t heard this metaphor, imagine yourself in a forest. You’re in a forest, but you have your nose up against a tree. Can you see the rest of the trees? No. You must ‘step away from the tree’ to see the bigger picture.
Try to be mindful of this. The idea here is that when you are frustrated, your nose is usually up against the tree. This is particularly helpful in dealing with delayed responses and or inappropriately repeated phrases.
Take a deep breath and step away from the tree before verbally expressing your frustration. It takes practice, but it gets easier, and you will become more self-aware in those moments.
Improving a relationship with your Aspie teen
While some of the advice here revolves around coping mechanisms, please understand that learning to cope effectively can have a huge impact on the quality of Asperger’s relationships.
The diagram below illustrates how learning the information in this article has impacted my family. As a result, I am now enjoying a great relationship with my son.
His grades have improved, he is more active, and he even made a friend at school for the first time. We made these improvements simply as described and without the introduction of any medications.
This article was featured in Issue 84 – The Journey to Good Health and Well-Being
FAQs
Q: How do you parent a child with Asperger’s?
A: Parenting a child with Asperger’s involves understanding their unique needs, offering structure, and using clear communication to help them navigate social and sensory challenges. Encouraging their strengths and interests while providing emotional support is also key to their development.
Q: How do you deal with a teenager with mild Asperger’s?
A: To support a teenager with mild Asperger’s, it’s important to offer patience, clear expectations, and guidance in managing social situations and emotional regulation. Fostering their independence and self-advocacy skills while being empathetic to their challenges is crucial during this phase.
Q: Does puberty affect Asperger’s?
A: Yes, puberty can intensify the symptoms of Asperger’s as hormonal changes may exacerbate social, emotional, and sensory sensitivities. Teenagers may need extra support in managing new emotions, social dynamics, and self-awareness during this transitional period.
References
Lucas, C. V., Soares, L., & Oliveira, F. (2021). Asperger syndrome and adolescent girl: understanding the rhythm of emotions towards the struggle with social relationships—cognitive-behavioral and narrative therapy. In Emerging Programs for Autism Spectrum Disorder (pp. 411-423). Academic Press. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780323850315000116
Price, J., & Fisher, J. E. (2021). Take control of Asperger’s syndrome: The official strategy guide for teens with Asperger’s syndrome and nonverbal learning disorder. Routledge. https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9781003238416/take-control-asperger-syndrome-jennifer-engel-fisher-janet-price
Kapp, S. K., Steward, R., Crane, L., Elliott, D., Elphick, C., Pellicano, E., & Russell, G. (2019). ‘People should be allowed to do what they like’: Autistic adults’ views and experiences of stimming. Autism, 23(7), 1782-1792. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1362361319829628
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